5 conversations which prove I am winning at parenting

***

We are in the car. Why do these conversations always start in the car?

DorkySon: I don’t think I want to eat blueberries anymore.

Me: Why not? I thought you liked them.

DorkySon: I do, but they always roll off the plate.

Me: They don’t if the plate is sitting on the table like it should be.

DorkySon: Also, I didn’t really want to tell you this, but do you know what I do with them when they roll off the plate?

Me: … No. What do you do?

DorkySon: I hide them behind the shelves in the den.

Me: Lots of them?

DorkySon: Mmmm. Quite a few.

Me: That’s not a very good idea. We might get ants or mice in the house trying to eat them.

DorkySon: Perhaps when we get home I should show you…

Me: Perhaps you should.

Me: Urgh. That really is quite a few blueberries isn’t it? And there seems to be some Lego pieces mixed in with them. It’d be great if you could stop doing that. Maybe next time a blueberry rolls off the plate you could come through and put it in the bin.

DorkySon: Or just eat it?

Me: Yes, or just eat it.

DorkySon: Maybe you should just stop buying blueberries.

***

It is Sunday morning and we are all in bed. DorkySon has been getting louder and louder, and I have shushed him several times. He continues to be loud.

Me: DorkySon! Stop shouting!

DorkySon, at the top of his voice: AAAAAARGH! You are a stupid, ugly FRENCH CANADIAN!

He stomps off to his bedroom, before returning a few minutes later.

DorkySon: Do you know how angry I am? So angry that I’ve TURNED MY CALENDAR TO DECEMBER.

Me: Starts laughing uncontrollably.

DorkySon stomps off to his bedroom again, before returning again a few minutes later.

DorkySon: Now I’m so angry that I’ve turned it to the back page where there ISN’T EVEN A MONTH AT ALL!

***

Later that morning DorkySon has just been told off for something else. It is one of those days.

DorkySon: It is NOT my fault. It is the monkeys’ fault.

Me: Puzzled face.

DorkySon: First there were monkeys and then they became people, and then the people had more people until eventually there was YOU. And then YOU had ME. It is all because of the monkeys.

***

We are in the car again, and I am caught off guard.

DorkySon: How does a lady know when she’s pregnant.

Me: She pees on a stick.

There is incredulous silence.

DorkySon: What? Just any old brown stick?

Me: No. A special stick she has to buy from a chemist shop.

DorkySon: That’s almost as silly as how you make the baby in the first place.

There is a few more minutes of silence.

DorkySon: I don’t think I want my wife to get pregnant. It all sounds very complicated.

***

DorkySon: Do you know what it was called when the Earth got made?

Me: No, tell me.

DorkySon: The Big Kaboom.

15 responses

  1. These are fabulous, so great to cpature them. I love how calm you were about the blueberries! Mich x

  2. Hahahaha genius! Really made me smile! So going to use the calendar as a means of expressing anger in future too! And yeah, I find blueberries all over the place – little buggers!

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